foolish.

unfold.

so, college is over.  now…am i…what do you call it…a YOUNG ADULT?!

i’ve been wanting to write this post for a long time now.  yes, this is one of those the-school-year’s-over-now-it’s-time-to-write-a-sentimental-tumblr-post-and-pour-out-my-feelings-about-my-4-years-of-college-i-can’t-believe-it’s-over-boo-freaking-hoo tumblr posts.  so….enjoy!

i really don’t know where to begin…so i guess i’m just going to list some of the things that i’m going to miss and reminisce about until i’m old and gray…

(these are not in any particular order…just whatever pops into my head at the moment)
1.  davidson d - i felt so lucky to live on busch as a freshman :)  and i had a pretty awesome roommate (christina chao), yeah i was really lucky.  my dorm was an all-girls dorm…and let me just say, some of these girls were…yeah.  you get what i’m saying…
2.  kccc - those freaking good times my freshman & sophomore year with an awesome ministry :)  this ministry introduced me to my new passion - FLAG FOOTBALL!!  winning the bright cup my sophomore year, having an EPIC senior night that same year…diner trips, chilling at crosby suites, movie nights…and the list goes on and on
3.  winkler 5106 - the best year when it comes to dorming :)  i lived with the best girls, had the best time, went through so much…oh gosh.  all you underclassmen who are itching to live at the apartments…you’re missing out if you don’t live at the suites!!  so much freaking fun…
4.  nichols 24 - i think that was my apartment number…or was it 124..?  well, regardless, my junior year was…interesting :P  although it had many ups and downs (maybe more downs than ups) i got to live with someone that turned out to be one of my closer friends i’ve made at rutgers…who i’m pretty sure will keep in touch with and grow closer to in the next years to come (yes, i’m talking about you bekah…i know. this is so shocking that i’m being nice to you…)
5.  spontaneity - embrace this while you’re in college!!  no more 3:00am trips to wawa, edison diner until sunrise, driving down to the beach to watch meteor showers, waiting for the lunar eclipse, skipping class to watch youtube clips, ordering food whenever the heck you wanted, wasting time with the people you love, blah blah blah.  man….definitely gonna miss this…
6.  kcf - i was going to write a separate post about kcf but i guess i’ll just write something short here.  like i said at senior night, i only first started attending to support phil yang and sju…but this ministry really turned into one of the best things that has happened to me at rutgers.  the people i’ve met and had good times with…holy moly — i will definitely cherish forever.  i’ll probably see you guys around…i’m only an hour drive away!  and i have so many promises to keep…I WILL KEEP THEM!  don’t worry!!…i can’t think of anything else to write haha…basically you guys are freaking awesome.
7.  senior year - best year of my life (so far).  everything from God humbling me like NO OTHER, to meeting and getting to know people that i will keep in touch with for a LONG time, to growing closer to my lifelong friends, to His vision for me becoming more clear…oh man - this year was seriously the BEST!!  i could probably go on and on about this year…all the memories i’ve made, all the complaints from…you know who, ahhhh gonna miss it so much…

that’s really all i can think about haha.  i don’t remember TOO much from the first half of my college life, but i seriously ended it with a HUGE BANG, so now when i think about the past 4 years of my life, i just smile.  that sounds mad cheesy…but it’s TRUE.  don’t you dare judge me…

now…on to the next.

would i want to rewind and relive college?  uh…heck NO.
why, you ask?
well…although college had many perks, God has been showing me more and more of His heart and what He wants to do with me in the years to come; and let me tell you…i’m getting so excited.  no more studying/deadlines to hinder me anymore…which also means i have no more excuses…time to get cracking.

there’s just something about meeting with people and listening to them share and spill their heart out.  there’s this…captivating beauty when someone’s crying because of their brokenness.  i really can’t help but smile and be hopeful…seeing from the third-person perspective how redemption is going to transform them into fierce warriors for the kingdom. 

and God is calling me to these people?  to this life?  what the heck…am i even ready for this?  You’re gonna use me, the worst of sinners, in that way?  it’s so unreal…and so crazy for You to do that.  but, if He wants something done…He’ll get it done.

watch me unfold.

amazed.

the discrepancy is unbearable at times…don’t You think?

urgent.

GCC’s such a great church :)

I believe that God really wants to use this church and our members for something amazing.  He doesn’t want to just impact our community, or just this nation, but I believe He’s preparing us corporately and personally for something global.

I know we’re struggling with complacency.  I mean, if we claim that we are God’s and He loves us, how can our lives NOT change?  How can our hearts and our thoughts and our actions NOT change? 

But hearing how people’s hearts have been slowly softening, seeing the desperation in my brothers’ and sisters’ hearts last Sunday as they stood for prayer, noticing how God is working so powerfully and evidently in my own personal life, it gets me so excited.  Especially encountering the Spirit move this past Sunday was so awesome.  Seeing certain people stand up because they’ve been missing out, they’ve been forgetting about how foolish God’s love is for us…my heart broke. 

God knows what He’s doing.  We can be all ‘hoorah’ about changing and impacting our community, but without His love backing it up, they are just good works and pretty much meaningless.  And He knows that.  He knows that His sons and daughters at GCC have been forgetting about how much He loves us, and I believe that He’s been slowly but surely helping us to remember.

That’s why I believe He wants to use us for something big.  This concentrated guidance and personal counseling just shows He wants us to be that much more capable and powerful in our ministry in the near future. 

With that said, once we understand God’s heart for us, I hope we can translate that with how much He loves EVERYONE.  He just doesn’t love us GCC-ers, but His heart breaks for His people around the world. 

And ours should, too.

We should hurt with our homeless friends in our community, we should hurt with the orphans that need to be loved, we should hurt with the victims of Hurricane Katrina that are still going through reconstruction, we should hurt with missionary Choi and Yang in Tanzania as they are struggling, we should hurt with the victims of today’s tsunami in Japan.

People are crying out all around the world and even within the walls of our very own church…and we’re crying about ourselves.  I’m definitely not belittling anyone’s sufferings, because we all go through our own share, but especially for those who are at a place to pray and love others, who are really seeking and maturing in the Lord…where’s your sense of urgency?  I’m right there with you…

We need to go out and shine this light where it’s desperately needed, so that God can claim these lost lives….

before a disaster does.

happy birthday.

you don’t start to really appreciate something until it’s gone.  and i’m sorry that it took over 3 years to start deeply loving and genuinely appreciating all you’ve done for me and our family. 

i’m sorry for my immaturity…for being a spoiled little teenager and constantly yelling at you.  never trying to understand where you’re coming from…

i’m sorry for my inconsiderate-ness…for not thanking you when you picked me up and dropped me off…for always taking you for granted…

i’m sorry for my selfishness…for there only being 1 rock lying on that stone, because i claimed to be ‘too busy’…

you built it from the bottom-up, and what you used to give oppa and me our blessed childhood, eventually took your last breath.  you love(d) me so much…and i can genuinely say that i love you, too.

if you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him.

the best gift.

a full tank of gas.

keep going.

this spring semester is going by pretty fast.  before i knew it, all the holidays flew by, midterm exams are sneaking up, and it’s the end of february.  a little less than 3 months and good bye rutgers.

i should be making the most out of my college life…but i feel like every day, i’m just getting more and more excited about my life after may 15th.

living for the future isn’t a totally bad thing.  but to disregard present living and hope for the future is silly…tomorrow’s existence is not even certain. 

i should be living in the present and taking things day by day.
remain faithful to the little things that God has given you…then He will open doors.

yea, i need to do stuff right now to prepare for what’s to come later on, but when it comes to the day by day living — studying, church work, and especially relationships — i just have to keep going.

don’t get discouraged.  remember all those times God pulled you out of your over-exaggerated misery?  He’ll do it again.

my mommy loves me.

i went to costco today with my mom.  kinda missed strolling down the aisles - mouth watering at the delicious sights, going around the store countless times to pick up as many samples as possible, my mom telling me to put things back because i’m gonna get fat…

then, a familiar face makes us both stop walking.  a little old italian lady was picking out napkins in bulk.  as i was trying to piece things together, my mom, with tears welling up, goes over with her voice an octave higher and gives her a big hug.  as they catch up with their broken english, i’m still trying to figure out how i know her.  finally as we leave, my mom reminds me:

she was the grandma that worked at uncle gio’s (the pizzeria that was right next to our dry cleaners.  it is by far the best pizzeria ever…but is now the extension of a deli :( wah…) remember?  she made dad’s favorite spaghetti and meatballs.

then, a rush of memories flooded to my mind.  i miss the days when we owned the dry cleaners, when i would walk there after school, eat at my favorite pizzeria and spend time with my mommy and daddy.  i spent all my time there, did my homework, played with the clothes racks, talked with the workers in the back, made conversation with my italian friends next door…

i would call her ‘mama’ because i was really close with her.  i remember once i called her ‘mama’ in front of you, and you looked up at me and asked ‘umma…she’s your mom??’  haha, you were so cute.

me:  wait…what about now?

…(no response)…

owned….thanks, mom -.-

spit it out.

Lukewarm people attend church fairly regularly.  It is what is expected of them, what they believe “good Christians” do, so they go.

Lukewarm people give money to charity and to the church…as long as it doesn’t impinge on their standard of living.  If they have a little extra and it is easy and safe to give, they do so.  After all, God loves a cheerful giver, right?

Lukewarm people tend to choose what is popular over what is right when they are in conflict.  They desire to fit in both at church and outside of church; they care more about what people think of their actions (like church attendance and giving) than what God thinks of their hearts and lives.

Lukewarm people don’t really want to be saved from their sin; they want only to be saved from the penalty of their sin.  They don’t genuinely hate sin and aren’t truly sorry for it; they’re merely sorry because God is going to punish them.  Lukewarm people don’t really believe that this new life Jesus offers is better than the old sinful one.

Lukewarm people are moved by stories about people who do radical things for Christ, yet they do not act.  They assume such action is for “extreme” Christians, not average ones.  Lukewarm people call “radical” what Jesus expected of all His followers.

Lukewarm people rarely share their faith with their neighbors, coworkers, or friends.  They do not want to be rejected, nor do they want to make people uncomfortable by talking about private issues like religion.

Lukewarm people gauge their morality or “goodness” by comparing themselves to the secular world.  They feel satisfied that while they aren’t as hardcore for Jesus as so-and-so, they are nowhere as horrible as the guy down the street.

Lukewarm people say they love Jesus, and He is, indeed, a part of their lives.  But only a part.  They give Him a section of their time, their money, and their thoughts, but He isn’t allowed to control their lives.

Lukewarm people love God, but they do not love Him with all their heart, soul, and strength.  They would be quick to assure you that they try to love God that much, but that sort of total devotion isn’t really possible for the average person; it’s only for pastors and missionaries and radicals.

Lukewarm people love others but do not seek to love others as much as they love themselves.  Their love of others is typically focused on those who love them in return, like family, friends, and other people they know and connect with.  There is little love left over for those who cannot love them back, much less for those who intentionally slight them, whose kids are better athletes than theirs, or with whom conversations are awkward or uncomfortable.  Their love is highly conditional and very selective, and generally comes with strings attached.

Lukewarm people will serve God and others, but there are limits to how far they will go or how much time, money, and energy they are willing to give.

Lukewarm people think about life on earth much more often than eternity in heaven.  Daily life is mostly focused on today’s to-do list, this week’s schedule, and next month’s vacation.  Rarely, if ever, do they intently consider the life to come.  Regarding this, C.S. Lewis writes, “If you read history you will find that the Christians who did most for the present world were precisely those who thought most of the next.  It is since Christians have largely ceased to think of the other world that they have become so ineffective in this.”

Lukewarm people are thankful for their luxuries and comforts, and rarely consider trying to give as much as possible to the poor.  They are quick to point out, “Jesus never said money is the root of all evil, only that the love of money is.”  Untold numbers of lukewarm people feel “called” to minister to the rich; very few feel “called” to minister to the poor.

Lukewarm people do whatever is necessary to keep themselves from feeling too guilty.  They want to do the bare minimum, to be “good enough” without it requiring too much of them.
— They ask, “How far can I go before it’s considered a sin?” instead of “How can I keep myself pure as a temple of the Holy Spirit?”
— They ask, “How much do I have to give?” instead of “How much can I give?”
— They ask, “How much time should I spend praying and reading my Bible?” instead of “I wish I didn’t have to go to work, so I could sit here and read longer!”

Lukewarm people are continually concerned with playing it safe; they are slaves to the god of control.  This focus on safe living keeps them from sacrificing and risking for God.

Lukewarm people feel secure because they attend church, made a profession of faith at age twelve, were baptized, come from a Christian family, vote Republican, or live in America.  Just as the prophets in the Old Testament warned Israel that they were not safe just because they lived in the land of Israel, so we are not safe just because we wear the label Christian or because some people persist in calling us a “Christian nation.”

Lukewarm people do not live by faith; their lives are structures so they never have to.  They don’t have to trust God if something unexpected happens - they have their savings account.  They don’t need God to help them - they have their retirement plan in place.  They don’t genuinely seek out what life God would have them live - they have life figured and mapped out.  They don’t depend on God on a daily basis - their refrigerators are full and, for the most part, they are in good health.  The truth is, their lives wouldn’t look much different if they suddenly stopped believing in God.

Lukewarm people probably drink and swear less than average, but besides that, they aren’t very different from your typical unbeliever.  They equate their partially sanitized lives with holiness, but they couldn’t be more wrong.

——-

and You still love me? 
thank You for grace…geez.

what’s going on..

conversation with a dongseng of mine:

him: JANICE GET A BOYFRIEND!
me: patience… :)
him: no I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BOYFRIEND NOWWW
me: ahaha whyy?
him: because….you seem lonely.

wait….what??